Masih mencari

for the time being, will not yet to post about my #100 wishlists part 2.

I will, InsyaAllah one day. But not now.
As I am still struggling to regain 'hamasah' (spirit : semangat) to live in this world in accordance with Allah's blessing.

It seems like I have lost myself,
since.... I dont remember, maybe 6 months ago. or more than that.

*gila lama futurism menjajah diri*

so, i've come into a new resolution.
Starting from now on, my journey to regain, retransform myself will begin.

*please pray for me, for my success*
I will try.
Try to post everyday, or every 2 days, or every 3 days, weeks, about my struggling to get myself out from all this futurism diseases.
It very dangerous you know.
Once you attach to it too long, kind of impossible to get yourself out from the situation.

There were at point where I actually fed up on myself. I gave up.
But Allah is The Most Merciful, He never left His slave alone.
Never.

He gave His blessings by sending me this nice people.
A person who is full of enthusiasm to change into a better muslimah.
Like how I used to, 3 years ago.
She reminds me of myself when I was about to fall.

ok. see ya later. Tra. :)

p/s : takdak idea kering habih dah -,-

#100 wishlists part 1

bile tahun baru, selalunye ade azam tahun baru.
naaahh,
boringlah azam2. tiap tahun azam baru.
yang lama xtercapai jugak.
di'brought forward' ke tahun depaaan jer.
sampai dah patut kene write off.
jadi bad debt mungkin.


tu diaaaa MFRS 999. gua yg cipta sendiri.
how to handle ur cumulative azam yg xtercapai2.

ok. stop about accounting. xder sape faham -,-

so, at this very moment of new year,
at this very late hour [0200am]
i'm thinking about making a 100 wishlists.
its time to think about your future, right.
i'm almost 22. no more gila2 main2 sana sini.
time to get serious about your life.

a logically achievable dream ok. not a fantasy one.
or else i would hopping that Hogwarts are existed.
 xyah sampai 100 wishlist.
that 1 fantasy dream is enough. haha


*see, berfantasi lagi. kanak-kanak lagi ni.
btw, i'm a sick lover of Harry Potter series. tq*

so, this is it....

#1 my own walk-in wardrobe.

#2 Canon DSLR 650D

#3 Umrah :') 

want to see, sujud right in front of Kaabah. would be beautiful indeed.

#4 get married before 25

#5 travel with bestie. to australia. or anywhere around the globe

#6 visiting Turki. melihat kesan keagungan Islam zaman dulu.

#7 kumpulkan balik semuaaaaa geng2 sekolah rendah. yg nasyid2 dulu tuuu.

#8 having my own kindergarten. 

This is mine and my sister's aim. Currently we have a land to build the building. The house not build yet. Masih kumpul modal. Modul utk anak2 murid dah ade. Please, do pray for us. Kami nak membina anak2 muslim yang qawiy. Islamic English kindergarten, Insyaallah. :)

#9 Build a house for my parents. and a maid. and we live next to their house. [we???]

#10 move and settle down in UK. 

ini impian sejak sekolah menengah yer. bkn sebab kene halau dengan menteri. haaaa, if u know what i mean.

#11 tengok adik berjaya. xkesah dalam apa saja bidang yg dia minat.

#12 Naza picanto

#13 Reti main gitar dgn jayanya

#14 belanja mak abah pegi vacation

#15 play tamborine again. dengan geng perkusi. rindunyaaa.

#16 ade geng handball

#17 keje, timba pengalaman kat audit firm

#18 whether being a CEO, or owning a business. bkn jenis yg biase terima arahan orang.

#19 buatkan teh tarik utk semua kawan2 yg saya kenal. 

cause thats what I do best. nikmat kurnia mmg utk dikongsi kan. itu je yg termampu :')

#20 semua album KRU yg pernah wujud. dan mawi

#21 pump shoes. and a pair of boots. oxford shoes.

#22 Own karaoke set

#23 Terer swimming

#24 meet Bunkface in person. Sam especially.

#25 Tengok teha kahwin. mehmehmeh :D

#26 mekap set. kalau dah wanita tu, wanita jugak.

#27 tons of perfumes

#28 Jumpa kak D. Murabbi pertama gua yg berjaya menjentik hati kental gua. rindu :'(

#29 Lesen motor

#30 Scrambler

#31 bonet kereta yang penuh dengan compartment utk letak kasut2 baju2. 

bukan penuh bunga macam cite Nora Elena tu. btw, I love when my car is my wardrobe.

#32 Someone who sings Have u ever really loved a woman by Bryan Adam. 

My future husband of course. haha

#33 anyone yg suke lagu2 The carpenters jugak, raised ur hand please. tgh carik partner-in-crime nih.

#34 build a house. utk jadi RI dan boleh wat macam2 daurah kat situ.

#35 Nanti kawin kenduri sama dgn abang. jimat.

#36 Hot chocolate *this just came up from my mind*

#37 Handbags

#38 Mini library. that filled with my own english fiction collection.

#39 Cooking books. craft books. religious books. books and books.

#40 get in front of the crowd. talk about what I love. what I know.

#41 Bungee jumping

#42 Jump from a heli with a parachute on

#43 Naik puncak kinabalu

#44 Kurussssssssss dan sihat dan bertenaga. hoyeah!

#45 Pergi 10km running event with bestie. or future hubby :p

#46 Panjat pokok manggis kt umah sampai atassssss skali.

#47 Ride scrambler sampai 140km/h. macam syiookkk jer.

#48 buat teha nangis depan aku sebab aku sweet sangat. Haha. 

*seems impossible much yet still possible to happen at normal human being*

#49 satu peti ais. penuh dengan ais. dan chocolate. dan anggur. done.

#50 scuba diving

cukuplah 50 malam ni. berejam perah otak.
kesemua impian tersebut tiadalah mengikut susunan dari terkecik ke terbesar.
semuanya bersepah. shuffle. besar kecik besar kecik.
ade impian yang dah tersimpan lama sejak mengenal dunia.
ade yg bru tercipta.
ade yg spontan dtg malam ni.

still, those dreams can still be changed literally from time to time.
as people's interest might change across time.

macam gua dulu suke sgt bende2 lasak sgt2,
berangan nak masok askar.
dpt msok PALAPES satu sem.
tros da taubat. bkn sbb kepenatan or tak tahan.
sbb unsur dalaman.
dan ia mengganggu keadaan iman aku yg turun naik,
dan mengganggu keje dakwah aku yg xkan pernah habis
yg paling utama tentunya.
dan aku yang masih belom yakin, ckup qawiy untuk menapis unsur2 jahiliyyah lama.
masih usaha membuang karat2 yg lama.
kan salah satu cara untuk berubah ialah...
Bi'ah solehah. iaitu suasana yg baik.
dan suasana dalam PALAPES tiadalah membantu.
huhuuuu.
bukanlah nk kata PALAPES tu xelok.
cume aku yang masih belom bersedia. huhu.
apa2hal pun everything depends on urself kan.


ok. bakal sambung lagi 50 pd masa lapang yg lain. InsyaAllah :)


p/s : save the biggest dream at the #100th wishlists.

Mohon. diTerima ya.

Maaf dunia.
maaf.

Sepertinyaaa semua post2 gua sebelum ni macam bermasalah.
penuh masalah.

kalau xder masalah bukanlah kehidupan, ye dok.

tapi, kerana ke'cengeng'an saya,
tertempias semua masalah di warkah maya ini.

ku pohon 10 jari kerana menyerabutkan mata kalian dgn post2 tersebut.

(itupn kalau ade yg baca) *tgn didada mata ke atas*

tapi

tapi

this is my blog. sukati la nak tulis ape.

tpi ingat, ALL of this aren't yours.
pinjaman semata yer.
satu masa yg pasti,
kita semua bakal menjadi tanah. debu. hancur. berderai.

so so so,
be mindful of others please :)

ok. lots of love.

me


p/s : uweeeeeeeeee. da lme tak menaip. kekontangan idea.

New years's eve. KONON.

gosh! 
mental block. seriously.


its examination week.
no. not week. examination month. 
n not to forget, weekend also.

and still have to go through this,
for the next 6 months.
and the next 6 months.
and the next 6 months.
and thats it.

itupn kalo xsambung ACCA ke master or CIMA or 
any other professional programs.


macam robot kan?
belajar belajar belajar.
exam exam exam.

at the end of the day,
nnti keje bukan kene dgn bidang yg tengah blaja sekarang.
frankly speaking, accountancy is not my passion.

for now.


maybe for the next 1 1/2 year, i might fall in love with it.
I might.


we never know what the future holds.
as me myself never hold my heart either.
Allah holds it. He holds.
mungkin ade sebab kenape masih xmampu mencintai bidang ini.

ataupun,

masih mencari potensi diri mungkin.


yes. indeed. 

am still searching. 

May Allah guides me.

dear family, friends, enemies, frienemies, 
all people around me...
help me. help me to find my own self.

fullstop.

p/s : permulaan 2014 yg xberapa nak baik. well January 1st is just a date aite, :')

Kekonon je. Huh!

Tw x mood swing?
At one time, she's the happiest person in the world, at the next minute, she'll be moody as hell.

Rase mcm nk bgi sup kasut saiz 8 kan kt org cmni.
Haa, silakan!

*slap the face*

Yarh, that person is me. Yg annoying sgt tu.

Sepertinya hati ni tibe2 mcm xtenang. Memikirkan bermacam kemungkinan yg xpatut.
All of sudden, I became a negative thinker.
Unfortunately, I cant hide it.
Housemates sume perasan. Surely, I have something in my head.
Masalahnya, gua pn xtw ape masalahnya.
Mmg mencari masalah namenye nih.

Kebetulan tdi nk solat isyak, lantas gua tempiaskan segala kegusaran time solat. Ketika sujud.
Ok. Tenang jugak la.
Btol, hanya Dia la sebenar2 punca ketenangan.
Lepas solat, teros capai kitab mukjizat itu.
Sepertinya gua xsabar nk dgr kata2 hikmat dari Kekasih.

Surah Ad-Dukhan. Ayat 41 hingga 49.
Ya Allah, berderai air mata.
Aku terus teringat dia. dia. dia dan dia.
Sahabat2 aku. Yg aku sayang.
Kawan.
Impian aku hanya lah agar kita dpt berjiran kat syurga.
Walaupun kt dunia kau xsuke aku, kau xsuke aku tegur2 kau.
Tpi percayalah, semuanya aku buat atas dasar cinta. Aku xnk tergolong dalam golongan dalam ayat2 yg disebut kt ats.
Aku pn xnk kau tergolong jugak. Aku xnk. Aku xnk. Aku xsanggup.
Kawan, aku sayang kau. Aku xtw cmne nk bgtw, yg aku mmg sayang kau. Aku nk tarik kau sama2 masuk syurga. Pimpin tgn sama2.

Mungkin ini puncanya.
Selalunya bila gundah, Allah selalu temukan aku dgn ayat pujukan.
Tpi tidak kali ni.
Aku diberi amaran.
Tentang org2 yg byk buat dosa.
Mungkin Allah nk bgtw, sungguh jalan DnT ni bkn utk orang yg manja.
Get ur butt off!
Xyah nk mengada sgt. Dah ckup kuat kau bekerja?? Smpi nk rse gelisah xtentu hala?? Konon.

Cengeng.

Sudah. Campak semua keresahan. Campak laut. Bg ikan josh makan. Biar ikan tu yg resah.
Buat kerja. Jgn asyik nk rehat.
Org sekeliling masih banyak tak terDF lgi, pastu claim da byk kerja.
Hentikan kepoyoan ini.

"berangkatlah baik dgn rase ringan mahupun berat..."

Dah. Bangun. Hentikan!

*lap air mata laju2*

Segar dan baharu.

Betul lah.
Mungkin akibat terlalu lama ngadap buku law. Penat otak mungkin.
Lantas gua mengalami kecelaruan perasaan.
Tetibe haru xnk belajar.
Xsemangat nak habiskan baki degree yg lagi 2 tahun.
N it was 2 o'clock yesterday.
So, both my mind n my body couldnt function very well.
End up, mental block.
Haha.

So, after good hours of sleeping. N rest. N watch some videos. N not to forgot, my source of peace...
QURAN of course.

Andd here i'm. Feel so new.

But still,

No love for accountancy.
Perlu dipupuk mungkin.

Ok then. Tra.

Kembali mengguggat keamanan

0121am - rumah sewa, seksyen 7.

ku membelek-belek buku corporate finance.
chapter 1, 2, 3... sepertinya xde satu pn yg ku dah belajar.
ku xpaham, tpi diri sendiri xtahu ape yg aku xpaham.
mata masih celik segar bugar,
tpi kepala ni rse berat. bagai da xmahu memproses utk mentelaah.
mungkin sudah terlalu bekerja keras utk 'corporate law' tadi.

ku lihat tepi meja,
selonggok lagi kertas2 buku2 yg mintak di'study'
ahh, assignment xyah cite. 
selagi blom final sem, selagi tu..timbunan assignment xkan penah surut.

lantas aku berfikir sejenak,
sungguh, ini bukan perkara yang aku minat. suka.
aku belajar penuh rase terpaksa.
accountancy. 4 tahun. blaja2, graduate. abes cite.
nampak mudah kan?
indah khabar dari rupa.

frankly speaking, sekolah dulu blaja lagi susah kowt.
lagi2 biology. banyak bende nak kene hafal.
tpi aku suke. minat. cinta.
aku rela habiskan berjam2 wat rajah2 anggota manusia, kaler2,
buat nota cantik2. conteng2 rajah jantung kt dinding.
malah, aku blaja extra. aku bukak ensiklopedia biologi.
supaya dpt kefahaman lebih.
aku suke addmath. aku buat sume past year paper. tanpa disuruh.
aku buat semua latihan yang wujud kt kedai buku.
berbungkus2 test pad aku habis sebab buat latihan addmath memanjang.
masa dan usaha aku diperhabis utk dua subjek tersebut.
aku xkesah. aku suka.

Allah. betapa aku rindu semangat itu. that passion.
i lost it.
sekarang..aku buat assignment bila disuruh.
study bile perlu. xder lebih2. mne yg perlu je.
bila belajar tanpa cinta, study pn xbersungguh.
bila xbersungguh, xder rse nak ajar org lain.
bile xajar org lain, ilmu susah nak melekat.
abeh tu cmne nak maju???

"then, why taking accountancy at the first place??????"

seriously, I DONT KNOW.
my mom asked to proceed on this field.
as an obedient daughter, i just follow what she said.
dgn mengharap ada berkat bila dpt keizinan dari mak.

after 2nd year of accountancy, i told my mom that i dont wanna be an accountant.
then this conversation happened,

mak : "abeh tu npe amek akaun...?"
me : "dulu mak suruh, nurul ikut je"
mak : "nurul xcakap pn yg nurul xminat..."

lpas dua tahun baru sedar yg kitorg sebenarnya ade miscommunication.
Allah...

aku xmampu nak patah balik. aku dah buat keputusan ni dulu.
aku dah lalui separuh jalan da pun.
sgt membazir kalau aku patah balik.
i have to bear the consequences.
i have to hold my passion for the time being.

.................................. tapii .............................

tapi subjek ni sgt susah. kadang aku hampir putus asa.
macam mane aku nak teruskan.
perlu perasaan cinta yg tinggi utk memahami subjek ni.
untuk master subjek ni.
aku rase lemah. bodoh.
aku rase macam robot. belajar je. ikut sistem. ikut buku.

*air mata jatuh*

"dan janganlah kamu (merasa) lemah dan janganlah (pula) bersedih hati, sebab kamu paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang yang beriman,"
( 3 : 139 )

kerana Kau, Allah, aku mesti kuat.
kerana Kau, aku mesti cinta.
please, do guide me 

:'(

0157 am. -yg serabut-
ketidakstabilan hormon mungkin.



tutup buku.